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I'm a pensioner now
But me flat, it caught fire
And there I was out on the street
Down came the council
They said "Never mind"
And I do seem to fall on me feet
For they said would I like a place in the'ome
Where everyone goes when they're old
Three meals a day, all the cocoa you want
And the heating comes on when it's cold

I said I dunno, He said you dunno
You'll find that it's all for the best
I said I feel young, 'E said never mind that
You'll grow old when you're in with the rest
I said oh all right then, I'll go - 'e said when?
I said when, 'e said yes, I said now
'E said right away? I said yes please, today
'E said alright - I'll do it somehow

So 'e got me a place in this very nice 'ome
Where old ladies and gents go to rest,
Where they do all yer washin' and cook all yer meals
And yer always dressed up in your best
But after a while I began to get bored
And I thought that I'd like some romance
When all's said and done, there's a bit more to life
Than just 'avin clean vest and pants

So I wandered off into the lounge where I'd seen
Some ladies all watchin' T.V.
I fancied the one with the generous hips
And the ankle socks up to the knee
I said "Any chance?" She said "What?"
I said, "chance", she said "dance?"
I said "No", she said "Right"
She said "Dancing? - With men?"
I said "Yes, alright then.
I'll pick you up later tonight."

So I 'ung around until I ran into
A wandering member of staff
"Anywhere local" said I "I could take
A girl for a drink and a laugh?"
'E said "Yes, there's a pub", I said "Pub?"
'E said "Yes, it's just to the right of the park"
I said "Good, I'll take Mabel"
He said "No you won't
She never goes out after dark."

I said "What about Phyllis?"
'E said "No, don't take Phyllis,
Phyllis is out of 'er tree."
I said "Oh alright then, 
It'll'ave  to be Gwen."
'E said "No - Gwen is going with me."

So I'm getting' fed up
With this 'ome that I'm in
Where we never do nothin' but sit
The dinner-gong gives me an 'eadache, I said
Could they keep the noise down - just a bit!
Noise down a bit? - Yes, noise down a bit!
I've put up with it all that I can
They said "no you 'aven't" I said "Yes I 'ave"
They said "You're a grumpy old man!"

So I called out the young man
Who put me in 'ere
And I told 'im I'd rather be there
He said "there?" I said "Yeah -
A flat in the square
I'll settle the rent for a year
'E said "I dunno"
I said "No? is that No?"
'E said "No, I would never say that
But why would you want to move outta the warm
And into a draughty old flat?"

I said "Oh it's chronic,
They all need a tonic,
The women are all a dead loss
And the dinner-gong there
Was drivin' me spare
Until I 'ad words with the boss."
He said "Well I'll see"
I said "Glory be!
I thought that I'd fell on my face."
He says "Change yer mind, and I'm goin' on leave
But go on, I'll give you a place."

So it's goodbye to Sunnybank Rest 'ome
And 'allo to the Sainsbury's queue
It's up in the mornin' and doin' me washin'
Like all us old bachelors do
It's darnin' me socks by the light of the fire
And dreamin' of better times past
And pleasin' yerself 'til the day you expire
It's 'eaven - It's freedom at last!


Memories of Rob Wilton the wartime (2nd world war) comedian who specialised in rapid-fire (and return fire) dialogue in his poetry, sometimes an entire contentious conversation between the protagonist characters all in the one line.

Back-Answers one deals with three social situations, one to a verse. Each of the verses deals with the discomfiture of at least one of the characters.  Why is this funny?  Lets not delve too deeply into that or it will, for some reason, cease to be so. This is Back-answers two- my attempt to emulate the great man with a tale of the discomfiture of one more character.


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